Saturday, 18 March 2017

Week 19/52

Day 133.

Life is so complicated, thats how I feel at the moment. Life is just overwhelming me. I feel ok in general, but not ok at the same time. It's odd.

I think its Anxiety, which I've had at times in the past, just not in this form.

This isn't drinking related I don't think, but perhaps its something that drinking has been covering up?  The urge to pack up and move to a place where there are less people, less traffic, less noise and no wifi has hit me more than once. I think perhaps this has all been building for a couple of weeks and now is consuming my thoughts.

I need a break from my life, and perhaps in the past, alcohol was that break? So now I need to find a new way to get a break, without actually going anywhere. Meditation might be the answer, but I have never been able to do it successfully. Or maybe this is just a weird stage that will pass.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

Day 130

Today is day 130....this is the furthest I have ever come. I'm so happy to have finally beaten my previous best. With no desire to drink, I know I'll make day 180 this time. It's such a relief to finally know it can be me, who suceeds. I can do it, I never thought I could, but I can. And if I can then anyone can!

Monday, 13 March 2017

Week 18/52

Day 127.

In 3 days I will have passed my personal best of 129 days. I do feel the further away I get from drinking the better my life is.

I do have lot's of things I need to change about myself. For a long time there has been a voice speaking to me, calling me towards certain things. For many, many years I have been ignoring that voice, drowning it out with day to day life and alcohol. I finally started listening and stopped drinking. I knew it was doing me harm. My inner voice wasn't speaking to me about that, it was screaming, it was too hard to ignore.

I have a disconnect between my true self and the life I am living. I am not living true to myself. Not in big ways, but in little ways. I am not suited to my career for example, therefore I don't work with like minded people. I love nature and natural environments but live in the suburbs, I ignore the feeling that I'd like to live somewhere more rural/natural.

I have a lot to think about. Now the booze is gone I can focus on my life, what I want to do and how I'm going to do it. I feel a change is coming, one which wouldn't be possible if I was still drinking.

Saturday, 4 March 2017

Week 17/52

Day 119 - So this week has been really strange. More than one night I have sat with uncomfortable feelings. I mean feelings I couldn't shake and they were over nothing really.

One night it was about something that happened at work, it was no big deal, but in my head I made it a big deal. The other was school yard stuff, I thought that when you finished school all that stuff was over, but having kids at school, and having to deal with the other Mum's sometimes feels like I myself am a teenager again. I know I don't fit in, in these type of circumstances, I never have. It doesn't normally bother me, but this week it did.

Anyway the point is, I realised I'm not cured after all, because more than once in my uncomfortableness I thought 'I want a drink'. At the same time I knew, I didn't want a drink, but I wanted something, some sort of drug to make it go away. I'm hormonal so that could be it. There was no way I was actually going to have a drink, no way at all. However it bothered me that in times like these, it is still my automatic go to thought 'I want a drink'.

Out of all this stress (if you can even call it that), I learnt one thing. I may not be cured of all thoughts about alcohol, but when the thoughts do come they are now accompanied by another thought which is  'alcohol is not the answer, it won't change anything'.

Next time this happens I know I have to ride it out, like a grown up. There is no hiding behind alcohol. I just have to accept that some weeks are going to be crap, and some weeks stuff that doesn't normally bother me, will bother me, and that's ok.

There is no way I'm going to drink to dull uncomfortable feelings, because I am never, and I mean never, going back to the way I was.

Saturday, 25 February 2017

Week 16/52


16 weeks now completed. I don't really have anything to write about this week, but wanted to check in. This blog is my main sober tool, so I feel if I don't post something then I am not doing my 'sober work'.

It hit me the other day that I feel like I have made it to the 'other side'. I thought you couldn't make it to the 'other side' until you were at least over 6 months in, or maybe even a year. However, I feel like I'm here on the other side, far away from any temptation to drink, far from thinking about drinking or even thinking about being sober.

I feel like I'm cured, not in a way that means I can drink again. I know I'm not cured if I drink again. But I feel like I am cured of my addiction. It's gone, what feels like completely. Never, ever does the thought of having a drink cross my mind. I don't find being sober hard, or boring, or like I'm putting my life on hold. When I go out, I don't worry it will be no fun because I'm not drinking. I don't stress about what other people will say, I don't care what they say. I know the situation will arise where I'll be offered a glass of wine and I can't wait to say 'no thanks, I don't drink anymore', or if its someone I don't know I will just say 'no thanks, I don't drink'.

I am in such a better place in sobriety than I have ever been before. I have gotten further than 16 weeks before but it was such a struggle. Each day was hard, and I knew I wasn't going to make it much further. Just as I know now, I will make it much further :)

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Week 15/52

Week 15,  I have now passed day 100 for the third time. This has been the best 100 days, as I haven't even had one craving for alcohol.

I don't feel stressed like I previously have, and I certainly do not want to drink. So for now I will continue to do what I am doing and live my life, which is now so much closer to how I want it to be.

That's the best part about giving up alcohol, or any addiction that is holding you back. Being able to live in the way you chose, instead of being governed by a substance. I am so grateful for the extra free time I have now. My brain is free to focus on other things. There is so much I want to do.

I hope everyone is going well and is having a great Sunday!


Saturday, 11 February 2017

Week 14/52

Day 98.

Coming up to my third 100 days. My method this time is to not make too much of a big deal about reaching 100 days. I need to avoid this as a finish line, but rather a line now crossed. Perhaps I've passed stage one?

The best part is I am in such a good place to keep on going. I don't feel finished, I don't feel like drinking. In fact if I started drinking again I'd be shocked.

Life is good, and don't get me wrong, it has always been good. Now however it is better, because I'm not poisoning myself anymore. I'm not slowly making myself sick. I'm taking my own path in life that is different to my friends, different to my family, but that is right for me.